Anthropomorphic

Bald Eagle

Character Portrait

Clint Bigot

The best argument against democracy in Anthroxville is a two-minute conversation with the anthropomorphic bald eagle, President Clint Bigot; a leader so habituated to lying and corruption, that he would gladly pay for the pleasure of selling himself to the shadiest looking bidder. The daily news cycle usually goes as follows: "Breaking news: Clint Bigot investigated for lying. He was quoted as saying: 'That accusation is a flat-out lie, you scuzzbag.' This statement was later found to be a lie." Rinse and repeat. But here’s the thing: the electorate doesn’t seem to care. They know Clint is lying, Clint knows he is lying, Clint knows they know he is lying, they know Clint knows they know he is lying, but still he continues to lie. In fact, the more whoppers he tells, the higher his approval ratings seem to climb. It’s a bewildering state of affairs, one which can only be explained by the newly inaugurated era of what political scientists coined "Pure Baloney", which coincided with Clint’s action-packed election campaign trail, during which, under the two interchangeable slogans: "Enough jibber-jabber: Vote Bigot" and, "Enough jibber-jabber: Vote, bigot" he lied, threatened, slagged-off, and brawled his way into office.

The public, it seemed, had just about had enough with the constant skull-crunchers doled out by the tag-teaming duo of truth and reality, and rallied behind Clint's declaration of war with his compulsive firehose of falsehoods. Everybody knew deep down that there was nothing that could be done to fix the current state of affairs in any meaningful way, however, the lies honked-up by the anthro bald eagle offered the illusion of an alternative: denial. The more far-fetched the better. Truth was seen as an endorsing embrace of the status quo, whereas pure baloney was the dissatisfaction; a vote for an alternate reality where you make it up as you go along. It was one or the other, the two couldn't coexist. Clint, however, would be lying if he said he didn't believe in half-truths. In fact, that's exactly what he said when addressing an audience during a rally. They all knew it was a lie.

Everybody in attendance also knew he was lying when he told a potential swing-voter, Axel Kettlebell, that he was a black belt in karate, and would legitimately chop him in half if he didn't vote for him. They all knew he was lying when he declared that not only had he had many a romantic bonk with Anthroxville heart-throb, Penelope Snizzsnapper, but that she was average at best in the sack. They all knew he was lying when he told Louis Battenberg, that he was honestly fascinated by the sound of his upcoming book, and that he, as God was his witness, would be to first to read it when it was finally published. They all knew he was lying when he told Kingsley Throttle, that he actually didn't believe that it would require divine intervention to fix the post-apocalyptic public infrastructure, and that if you gave him a hammer, a chisel, and a vote, he'd have it sorted and in jim-dandy condition this time next week. They all knew he was lying when he gave a winking response to Lola Pipsqueak's question, that no, he didn't take any bribes, bungs, or backhanders, and that anybody who was considering such a dastardly act should certainly not meet him backstage in 30 minutes for a martini or two. And, they all knew he was lying a few weeks later, when the anthro bald eagle solemnly swore (struggling to keep a straight face by this point) that he would faithfully execute the Office of President of Anthroxville, and would to the best of his ability preserve, protect, and defend the...